


(Don't) Say you love me

by Blizzaurus



Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: Angst and Fluff, F/M, Hurt/Comfort, Probably more fluff than this episode warranted, Talk of substance abuse, oh well
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-14
Updated: 2018-05-14
Packaged: 2019-05-07 01:30:40
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,220
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14660526
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Blizzaurus/pseuds/Blizzaurus
Summary: Set after 5x02. Abby forgives Marcus but still wants to keep him at arm's length. She isn't sure whether she dares to let him love her again. Luckily, Marcus is more than willing to give her time. In the meanwhile, they are friends — only friends.As time passes, however, Abby finds that not falling back to his arms is awfully lot like fighting gravity.





	(Don't) Say you love me

**Author's Note:**

> Hopefully, all of this won't be completely debunked after tomorrow's episode... 
> 
> Enjoy!

After Jaha's death and the battle in the pit, Marcus brought teary-eyed Abby back to his quarters. He had been staying with the other delegates which had served Abby well this far as it had gotten him farthest away from her as possible, but as of now, he was lowering her onto his bed and Abby didn't have a sound of protest left on her lips. 

He drew his blanket over her shoulder, tucking her in while whispering comforting words and affirmations of his love. He then settled next to her and took her in his arms, wholly enveloping her tiny body until she was trapped her against his chest. Marcus was doing what he always did; build a safe haven for her in that cramped bed, believing that Abby would eventually succumb to that false security as always. 

This time, Abby wouldn't yield. Not because she hadn't forgiven him — no, she was starting to understand his reasoning. But if he truly loved her as deeply as she loved him, Abby was going to have a problem. She couldn't bear to drag him down to the dark place she was in nor shatter his heart by letting her hopelessness show.

Marcus nuzzled into her hair, his grip on her waist tightening. It was as if he was drinking her proximity in after so long. Abby let him cradle her for a moment, allowing herself one blissful second of enjoying his comfort. 

The second didn't last for very long until Marcus' fingers wandered up to face. He explored the feel of the strands of her hair, her closed eyelids, her cheekbones until he ventured to her lips. His eyes opened halfway and fixated on her mouth, begging for a permission to finish something long-yearned that had been taken away from them only hours ago. Abby allowed him to inch closer, mesmerized by his dark lashes. She had never noticed how long and graceful his lashes were. Every inch of him was beautiful.

All the more reasons she didn't deserve him,

Just before his lips brushed hers she drew her head away. "No," came her weak protest.

Marcus immediately withdrew but didn't apologize. Instead, he kept on carefully studying her features, trying to determine the prognosis of their relationship. Abby wished she had good news to give him. Her whole brain was only static at the moment, the same message of  _you don't deserve to be loved_ repeating over and over again.

"Are you still angry?" he asked, carefully. 

Abby found herself incapable of replying honestly and only stared back at him, scared.

Marcus continued with an insistent voice. "I saw in your eyes that you understood me in the green room. I would do it again and again and again, and _I know_ you would do the same."

" I would..." Abby said, burying her face in her hands. 

"It's just too much. Everything has changed and I don't know what we are now. I don't even know who _I_ am supposed to be now. I need time."

Marcus nodded, blissfully unaware of the fact that Abby would never want to subject him to that "new" her. She only knows she doesn't want to lose him, however selfish that wish may be.

"Can we be friends?" she then asked. 

Marcus looked dumbfounded for a second, and it almost reminded her of the time she first joined him for a meal after they had just gotten on a ground. He probably would've expected her to dump her last rationed meal on top of him rather than try to sit down with him. 

What a start for a friendship. Too bad that was all it could be for now on.

"Okay," he eventually said, swallowing hard. "I can do friendship. I loved being friends with you."

Abby gently shook her head. "We never stopped being friends, Marcus. Even after...

I bared myself for you for the first time in Polis. I took my rings off for you. I told you I loved you and tried to unburden you of myself the very next moment.

"Right," he said and didn't know what to do then, his fingers anxiously tugging the covers around her as if he was trying to wrap her in even a safer little cocoon. "Maybe I should leave?"

"This is your bed. Please stay."

At that, Marcus took her back in his arms again, burying face nose in her hair. After a moment, Abby felt small kiss grazing her skin, just where her cheek meets her hairline.

"Can I do that?" he then asked, tentatively.

"Yes," Abby said, smiling a little. "There's nothing wrong with an innocent kiss like that."

"Can I do this?" Marcus murmurs, leaning forward to reach her ear. He then proceeded to whisper in her ear how much he loved her, how he could never bear to lose her, how she meant everything to him until tears sprang into Abby's eyes, and her hands clutched at the fabric of his shirt.

"Only tonight," she answered.

Marcus continued to kiss her hair and whisper these words against her skin as if to make sure she'd commit them to memory and hold her until they both fell asleep, tangled up in each other.

* * *

After that night, they didn't see each other for a while. She made sure of it, and it was rather easy — the medical was always crowded or she was too drowsy from the pills to leave the bed. At the same time, Marcus was tied up with the political mess that was Octavia's new justice system. The time apart was a prime opportunity for Abby to cultivate her anger against him again. Crippled by her headaches, she felt more useless than ever and the desire to lash out at _anyone_ grew and grew until they finally ran into each other in the mess hall again. 

Immediately, Abby gave him a warning glare. _Don't you dare to sit on my table_. She then coldly walked past him. She hadn't known what she had expected when he followed after her and proceeded to seat himself right next to her. She immediately rose to change tables, but his insistent fingers curled around her elbow, urging her sit back down again.

"That's no way to treat a friend," he said, smiling that sardonic little smile that had burned into her retinas from the times on the Ark. With his beard, the smirk looked somewhat disconcerting and only a little bit sexy.

"Friend," Abby said flatly.

"We are friends, aren't we?" He said, looking at her with a slightly challenging quirk of his eyebrow. 

Abby didn't know how to react to this rather bold move on his part to actually force himself in her company again, but it was definitely a welcome change after he had avoided her for a month and a half as if she was fragile, albeit furious porcelain doll. 

Abby could not but yield with a sigh. "That we are."

"Alright. Long time no see, my friend." he said, coaching a small smile out Abby. "How have you been?"

"Good," Abby answered, deciding to play along. 

"You do look great."

"Marcus—"

"Just stating the truth," Marcus said, and Abby could swear she saw a twinkle in the corner of his eye. Then his eyes flicked hopefully down to Abby's hand that was laying on the table and laid his own tentatively on top of it. Somehow that tiny gesture, the gentlest of touch of his fingers against her own made Abby's heart beat faster.

"I've missed you," he said next, more somberly. "It's been almost a month."

Abby looked down at her lap. "I've missed you too."

"Maybe we can sneak away to Cadogan's library after this? To make up for lost time? I think I know the only corner in a bunker where you can actually hear your own thoughts."

Abby considered for a second, all the possible outcomes of that little retreat flashing through her mind. It would be nice to go somewhere quiet with Marcus, maybe to talk like they had used to do under the starry skies after Mount Weather, maybe curl up against him and let him brush away the strands on her forehead, lift her chin and...

She quickly determined she was too weak to be alone with him at the moment. "I don't think we should." 

Although there was a brief flash of sadness crossing across his features, Marcus recovered from the rejection quickly and brought the familiar lopsided grin back on his face, causing infuriating things to happen to Abby's insides. "Your loss. Maybe I'll ask Indra."

For a brief second Abby was startled at that until she remembered their situation again.  _Indra was only Marcus' friend. Just like Abby was now._

 _"_ Not that I feel even remotely the same way about her than I do about you," Marcus hurried to say. 

Abby started shaking her head. "Marcus, no! That's already the third strike. First, you complimented my appearance, you are holding my hand—

"I am?" Marcus said absent-mindedly, his eyes wandering over to their entwined fingers. He, however, made no effort to disengage nor did Abby.

"—and you just talked about having feelings for me."

"At least I didn't say I love you," he said, smiling shyly.

"You just did."

Marcus ran his fingers through his hair with his free hand, looking at Abby with a frustrated expression on his face. "I'm pretty bad at this, aren't I?"

"You are."

"I promise I'll do better next time, love-"

Marcus paused.

"I just did it again, didn't I?"

Abby sighed. 

* * *

From that moment on, Marcus always ate with her. Even if she intentionally jammed herself into a packed table, Marcus patiently waited for a seat to open up in order to sit next to her. He always asked Abby for a friendly little outing, and every time she refused he focused on making some idle chit-chat with her. Mostly the subjects were harmless, concerning either the most trivial matters of the delegate (he veered far from anything related to Octavia) or what funny and pleasant things he had heard or experienced that day. It was easy to be lulled by his warm conversation, chuckle at his jokes and smile shyly down on her lap at his stories of the past, but that always made Marcus change his gear.

"Have you been having any more headaches?" he asked as always after noticing Abby's mood improve.

Abby paused, staring angrily at her plate."You know what?" She said poignantly. "I don't think I'm even that hungry."

Marcus rose up at the same time as her. "Me neither."

Abby knotted her brow at him. "That's not true. I heard your stomach rumbling from all the way from the line."

Marcus only shrugged at that, causing Abby to realize something vital. Every time they had eaten together, he had only started eating after seeing the first bite disappear past Abby's lips. She could also remember that every time she had offered the rest of her meal to the kids after being too nauseous from the medicine to eat, Marcus had done the same right after her. 

Marcus didn't eat if she didn't.

Goddammit. 

Abby plumped herself back down. "You drive me fucking mad," she said, shoving a forkful of salad in her mouth. Marcus only then continued eatin.

"Want to answer my question?" he asked. 

Abby kept her mouth full enough not to be able to reply and sprang up as soon as she was finished, rushing out the mess hall. 

Now she was sure that Marcus and Jackson had been discussing her condition for god-knows-how-long. They were on the first name basis, after all, why wouldn't Jackson also disclose to Marcus that her headaches were only getting more frequent and painful? Or that he had had to lock the medicine cabinets so that Abby wouldn't take more painkillers than was good for her? 

She still found a way to get them, but she was too ashamed to admit it to Jackson. She stole them whenever Jackson forgot to hide his key and stored them in an old sock she kept under her pillow. She didn't even want to imagine what Marcus would think of that. If he saw Abby in her worst, with pale skin, dark circles under eyes, unfocused eyes and her unwashed hair sticking to her forehead he wouldn't even want to sit next to out of disgust, let alone want to be with her.

It was better this way. Keeping him at bay kept her from hurting him any more than she already had. If she was already lying to Jackson and stealing the medicine in order to alleviate her unbearable existence, what would she be capable of doing to Marcus?

No, she loved him too much to let that happen.

* * *

Abby started pretending to eat in order to keep Marcus from going to bed hungry, but the infuriating man got the hold of that ruse quickly and began to stare at Abby's plate as she ate. He didn't even touch his meal before it was empty. Abby didn't know whether this action only made her want to tear his head off more or cry about the fact that he  _still_  cared so much for someone like her. In the end, however, every meal spent with him only made her agitated.

"I only want to take care of you," Marcus said softly after falling victim to Abby's brutal glowering. 

"Next time you'll probably sneak into my room to make sure I get enough sleep."

There was a small smile on Marcus' lips at that. "I won't even need to. You are free to crash on Cadogan's couch anytime."

He was referencing the incident when Abby had been so exhausted after a long workday that she had crashed in the nearest empty room which happened to be Cadogan's office. She had not known Marcus had adopted it as his workplace, and she woke up to the horrifying realization that he had tucked her in with his coat, unlaced her boots and casually worked by the table while Abby had been snoring on the couch. 

That had been something far too intimate for Abby's liking at this turbulent point of their relationship, and she couldn't even think back to it without blushing. 

"That won't be happening again," she said curtly, turning her gaze away. That didn't discourage Marcus from watching her with a concerned frown on his face.  _Why do you care?_  Abby wanted to cry out. 

She felt the need to push him away, just a little. Give him the head start he needed for finally ridding himself of her. 

"I don't need you to take care of me," she said sharply. "A  _true_  friend wouldn't be so obsessed with everything I do and decide not to do.  He would let me be when I wanted to be left be."

Abby could see Marcus was not buying anything she was saying, but he still had folded his hands in front of him as if he was weighing Abby's every word with uttermost care. "What could a true friend do for you then?"

Abby considered her answer for a second.

"True friend would help me carry the junk out of medical."

The number of boxes full of broken, outdated technology from Cadogan's time was pouring out of every corner of the medical, and it couldn't have escaped Marcus' attention. Clearing them out was one of the few so unpleasant tasks no one had volunteered for it even at the promise of additional rations.

The suggestion for Marcus to even attempt such a laborious job was not serious by any means; Abby merely wanted to give him a substantial hint to back off, and this would be it.

Marcus only took a second to answer. "Consider it done."

Abby blinked. "But there is so much of it."

"Then I better get started soon," he said, smiling that soft smile of his. At that, her wish to bite his head off was diluted by the urge to wipe that smile from his face with her lips. But only a little. 

Marcus stayed true to his words. After lunch, he came to medical with a task force of grounders he had quickly assembled. Instead of only coordinating the work, he started picking up the boxes himself which made Abby frown. There was an abundance of them and each one was heavy and clunky to transport. 

Jackson gave Abby a real mean look as he saw Marcus carrying them out without one sound of complaint on his lips.

"Is this how he is going to earn your forgiveness?" he asked sharply.

"No...," she said, unsurely, feeling more and more ashamed as he watched him wipe the sweat off his forehead. She was not sure what Marcus was expecting to get out of this.

After the work was done, she hurried over to him. "Thank you," she said, rising up to her tiptoes to press her lips on his cheek. "You wouldn't have needed to." At that tiny kiss, Marcus started beaming like the sun down at her, reaching down to stroke her arm.

"Just doing you a favor."

And just then Abby realized what Marcus had been after.                            

 _That bastard is actually trying to be my best friend again._

* * *

The following days made her drastically re-evaluate what friendship with Marcus actually even meant. 

Marcus started to join her for her afternoon strolls around the bunker, and Abby had, in one of her fits of softness for him, allowed him to do so. Fortunately, he never pressured her to talk and walking silently next to her, comforting her with his presence. On one morning, Abby was trying her hardest to make up something mean to say to him as he once again joined her on her walk to the medbay, only to have him nudge her playfully with his head until she cracked out a smile. Only when Abby showed this kind of a sign of being happy to see him, he started talking. 

"Busy day ahead, Dr. Griffin?"

"Somewhat," Abby said, butterflies fluttering in her stomach. "Chancellor Kane."

Sometimes it felt as if she was being courted by him for the very first time. He would look at her in a way that made her toes curl, and Abby had a feeling he knew how effective he was in melting her. 

"Are you safe from now on?" he would ask her as they neared the medical.

"What could ever happen to me under your watch?" Abby said, not even trying to hide the blatant flirtiness in her tone. 

"Hmm. Some grounder might notice how lovely you are and steal you away," he breathed out, mirroring Abby's playful tone. 

Only after Marcus had sent her off with a sweet, innocent kiss planted on her forehead, Abby was able to regain her senses and reflect on what had just happened. Was this how friends were supposed to act? 

Or an even more chilling question: Was this what their relationship had been like at Camp Jaha?

 She could no longer wonder about the multitude of betting pools about their relationship she had uncovered during their time on the ground. Then again, she truly did not know what an appropriate working relationship with Marcus could even be like. She couldn't remember a time when she was friends with him without being desperately in love with him. 

* * *

During her very weakest moments she allowed him to hold her hand. It started off innocently enough, their shoulders bumping, fingers brushing briefly until one day Abby ventured further and decided to clasp her hand within his so swiftly she didn't have time to think it over. Marcus only laid one shy look at their entwined fingers before he broke into a smile. The rest of the way they were silent, neither of them daring to break the soothing, tentative silence. 

Despite her efforts to keep her distance, she wasn't able to keep herself from doing something so simple as taking his hand or flirting with him. _What a disaster_. She knew exactly how every tiny nugget of hope had to be affecting Marcus. He was probably starting to think it wouldn't be too long before they would start sharing a bed again. But she wouldn't allow herself to be that close to him ever again.

She could only assume a little hand-holding would be too little for Marcus at some point, that eventually he would grow frustrated and leave her for good, perhaps for someone younger, prettier, less damaged.

But that didn't happen. Marcus seemed to have the patience of a saint when it came to waiting for her to defrost, and Abby couldn't understand why. Why, why would he care so much about a lost cause?

Abby could never again be the woman he loved. The sooner he realized that the better, and this time Abby would make an actual effort to keep him at arm's length as her methods this far had proven to be far from effective. Many times, Abby had heard grounders commenting on their relationship. She knew enough Trigedasleng to know what "lover", "companion", "wife," was in the language. This definitely was not the outcome she had desired.

The only thing she would be to Marcus was a friend from now on.

However, on one very dangerous day, she decided to wear her hair on a braid. That spur of a moment choice of a hairstyle soon turned out to be a bad idea. The minute she entered Marcus' field of vision he was mesmerized. He couldn't stop staring at her for even the briefest moment, he was that transfixed by the sway of her braid and the simple way it cascaded down her shoulder as they walked together. Abby even caught him lightly playing with it during mealtime while they were sitting side by side. However, she didn't chastise him. Marcus eventually ended up wrapping his whole arm around her shoulder, causing Abby to flush. Everyone from miles away could see that they were not just friends.

Marcus once again saw her off to the healer's quarters — another one of those little gestures Abby couldn't just bear to deny him. Just before Abby's fingers wrapped around the door handle, he grabbed her hand. He slid his hand along her arm to her shoulder, finally cupping her cheek while his other hand gathered her braid and clasped it reverently within his palm. She didn't have the heart to push him away even though she knew she should. Abby watched with her breath clinging to her throat as Marcus leaned forward and pressed a tender, slow kiss on the corner of her mouth.

It was over far too soon. Abby sighed in disappointment when Marcus didn't try to push his luck and venture into the forbidden area of her lips. 

"Sleep well," he whispered.

"What was that?" Abby asked, only faintly aware of how familiar that dumbfounded expression sounded.

The corners of Marcus' eyes crinkled as he looked down at her, brushing his thumb across her cheek one last time. "Abby, you are so damn hard to be friends with. And I mean that in the best possible way."

He then let go of her braid, his fingers lingering only slightly. Before turning away, he mouthed those three little words Abby had forbidden him from saying out loud and smiled weakly. Then he was gone.

She came so close to running after him and kissing him that day. She was not thinking of a small, chaste kiss in return. She'd rather jump into his arms and kiss him until there was no air left in her lungs. 

It was as if he had planned it all. The next morning he asked her once again to join him for a trip to the library, and Abby said yes before he had even finished the question. Marcus then smiled brightly at her and it almost made the raging voices inside her quieten down.  _Refuse, refuse, refuse_  they commanded her, over and over again. 

"One condition," he said softly, taking her hand that had been invitingly laying on the table. "Can you promise me you won't take any painkillers today?"

Abby froze in shock.  _Marcus knew_.

Either Jackson and he had a recurring meet-up where they gossiped about her condition or Abby was far worse in hiding her dependency of the painkillers than she'd previously thought.

"What— what if I get a headache?" Abby tried weakly. 

"In that case I want you to go to Jackson. But I don't want you taking them on your own. Do you understand?"

Abby didn't react to his question in any way. She only remained quivering in her place. She felt like a terrified little child being scolded at for sneaking in an extra ration. Observing her expression, Marcus squeezed her hand comfortingly. "Could you do it for me?"

Abby nodded, tears springing to her eyes. Marcus brought up his other hand to encase hers. "It's okay, love. I'm going to make it worth it."

"Marcus, what did I say about calling me 'love'?" Abby said, wiping her eyes on her sleeve.

"You encouraged it?" Marcus attempted playfully, making Abby let out a half-snort, half-sniffle. 

"Just don't do it again."

He smiled sadly at her. "I won't."

* * *

Marcus came to pick her up later that evening. Abby would be lying by claiming that she hadn't spent the whole day staring at the clock, trying to fight off the symptoms of withdrawal. She was ashamed to even admit that she had plaited her hair in the special way Marcus liked. She knew this was far past any friendly outing since she was so willing to keep away from the pills just for this — but she no longer cared. She  _needed_  Marcus right now and couldn't deny the pleasure of having his undivided attention for the whole night, no matter how selfish it made her.

He came to her door with a huge grin and a ball of crumpled paper in his hands. 

"It's an origami swan I made out of a napkin," he tried to explain as Abby quirked her brow at the disfigured thing. "I couldn't do a rose... but now that I'm looking at it, it looks more like a rose than a swan." He let out an embarrassed little huff. "I'm sorry I didn't think of a better gift."

Abby almost jumped him there at that moment. She was filled with so much love for him she could barely contain it. It took all of her effort not to kiss him silly and think of a witty reply instead.

"A rose? Are you sure this not a date?"

"I retain all plausible deniability," he said, offering Abby his arm. Abby gladly accepted it and rested her head on his shoulder as they walked, feeling Marcus leaning against her too. 

Marcus escorted her to a secluded part of Cadogan's library where he had a little surprise waiting for her. He dug up something from behind a loose board and presented it to her in a grandiose manner. "Your reward."

It was a bottle of moonshine. Abby didn't even want to think about the amount of trouble he had gone to obtain it for her which made her twice gladder she had actually kept her promise and stayed away from the pills for the day. Alcohol and drugs was not a good combination. 

The place Marcus had been talking about was a tiny section of the library you could only access with a rickety ladder. Abby supposed it was the place Cadogan had kept his more risque material judging by the lock Marcus had to wrestle for a good 15 minutes to get them access. But once they were in, it was all worth it.   
Despite the place being so cramped and full of dusty books, Abby cozier than ever. She had to sit between Marcus' legs so that they could both fit which was certainly no cause for complaint. 

He smelled nice, earthy and masculine with a hint of alcohol in his breath from the glass he had poured himself and Abby.

"Did you bring Indra here too?" Abby asked with half-lidded eyes, enjoying the numbing effect of the moonshine and Marcus' warm proximity. 

"Certainly not," Marcus breathed out in her ear, making Abby shiver from head to toes. 

As they became more intoxicated from the alcohol and each other's company, Marcus stopped bothering to restrain his lips from "accidentally" brushing her neck while he was teaching her Trigedasleng phrases.

"Yu ste krei meizen."

 _You are so beautiful_ , Abby understood. 

"What does it mean?" she asked, playing along.

"The weather is nice today," Marcus said, smiling languidly. He was tangling his fingers into Abby's braid and playing with the freed strands of her hair. Abby sighed, leaning into his touch. 

"Teach me something else."

"Ai hod yu in," he whispered, leaning down to nuzzle his nose into her hair. "It means that you are a good friend."

"I don't believe you," Abby said, a full smile growing on her face.

"I missed that smile," Marcus murmured, his finger trailing across her laugh lines. "I missed the way you look at me."

He sighed. "I don't want this night to end. I can't bear to walk back to my quarters alone. I miss you snoring and keeping me up, stealing the blankets, kicking me in your sleep." Marcus said, his fingers wandering down to stroke the small patch of skin Abby's hiked up shirt had exposed. "I miss you in  _my bed._ Not just your annoying, endearing habits but your body pressed against mine, your skin under my fingertips, your lips _everywhere_..."

"What else do you miss?" Abby asked after noticing Marcus' eyes raking over her body, warmth of the alcohol making his cheeks glow. 

"At least two more things," he said absent-mindedly, his drunken gaze flickering over her bosom. 

Abby, feeling extremely tipsy and daring, one-upped him with one sultry sentence whispered into his ear. "I miss your  _cock._ "

"Dr. Griffin!" Marcus exclaimed, scandalized. "What an inappropriate thing to say to a friend."

Abby only giggled at that, burying her face in the crook of his neck.

"And now you just laugh on top of it," Marcus grinned. "You know what? I don't think I want to be friends anymore."

With that said, he surged forward and fiercely captured her lips. Abby gasped out. He had his hands planted firmly on the sides of her face, but not so firmly Abby couldn't escape if she wanted to. But that was the farthest thing in her mind. The sharp tang of moonshine on his tongue and the softness of his lips made her head swim. She sighed into his mouth as he deepened the kiss, holding Abby against him as if she was a mere rag-doll, so molten she was at his attention. 

Was it even possible he could taste better than she had dreamed all these weeks? Abby was eager to find out so she clutched at his lapels and started kissing him back more furiously, more needily. Her heart sang at the way his whiskers made her skin tingle, how fast she could sink her hands into his perfect hair and mess it up, how quickly he understood to take his deft fingers into play...

Soon he was fumbling with the buttons of her blouse and Abby leaned herself in order to expose her neck to his kisses and gain a better position. But the floor was rough, and the book covers pressed into her back, making it almost impossible to do what they both had in mind without squeezing themselves in an even smaller space.

"You should've brought a blanket," Abby breathed out, making him chuckle.

"I'm not  _that_  calculating," he said with mirth dripping from his voice. "Maybe next time." He leaned down to take a nib at the sensitive skin of Abby's neck while she was lying motionless on the floor, shocked at his last two words. 

 _Next time_. 

Only then she realized what was about to happen. Marcus was going to make love to her and she would let it happen, purposefully going against everything she had planned this far. And she knew it would happen again and again until the terrifying moment he realized Abby couldn't be fixed. She wasn't strong enough not to resort to the painkillers nor climb out of thi, dark and endless pit of hers. She would grow old and miserable, and he would start hating her for it. 

She couldn't let it happen. She couldn't bear Marcus hating her. There had to be some way to back-pedal, push him away, there had to be a way, she couldn't let him love her...

Abby roughly shoved him away, Marcus let out a yelp at the impact of his elbow hitting the wall, but recovered from his shock quickly enough to prevent Abby from escaping from underneath him. 

"What's wrong, love? Are we moving too fast?" he asked, his hands grasping her shoulders.

"Don't call me that!" Abby hurried to say, struggling to wiggle free. Marcus eventually shifted his weight, releasing Abby, and she didn't waste two seconds backing away from him. Marcus watched her furiously try to re-button her blouse with a deep frown on his face until he decided to speak up. 

"What are you thinking about, Abby?" he asked softly. 

His obvious concern made Abby even more agitated. The mean spirit inside her decided to hit him in his most sore spot. "Maybe I'm thinking about that one time you raided medical every day for three weeks because you thought I was smuggling morphine to Nygel!"

Marcus grew quiet at that. Too quiet. "That was years ago," he eventually said with a small voice, utterly confused at why Abby would bring up Ark at all. 

Tears were starting to spring into her eyes as she couldn't get the last button in. "Well, less than a year ago you tried to have my floated," she snapped. 

Abby didn't have to turn around to see that Marcus was now pale and in pain. Deep regret settled down into her bones, but Abby wouldn't apologize or take it back. Whatever she needed to say in order to distance herself from him, she would say.

Before she could lift the hatch and leave their small hiding place, Marcus' fingers curled around her arm. "What's this all about, Abby? Why are you bringing up the Ark? I thought we were okay. Please, Abby, I'm trying my hardest. Tell me that _we_ are okay."

Abby looked him dead in the eye. " _We_  are just friends," she choked out.

Without waiting to hear Marcus' reply, Abby disappeared out of the hatch.

* * *

She practically ran back to healers' quarters, her hands shaking from the long abstinence of painkillers. The moment was back at her bed she emptied the pills the contents of the sock in her palm and swallowed the most she could get down. The relief was only brief. The very next second her primal instinct to seek comfort in opioids was overcome by her doctor's mindset. Steely-minded, she walked into the lavatory and made herself throw up the contents of her stomach.

Jackson must have woken up because of the noice but remained quiet as Abby climbed into her top bunk after cleaning herself, wrapped herself up in her blankets and started crying into her pillow. She tried to keep her sobs as quiet as possible in order not to bother Jackson and the other healers but found herself physically unable to do so as her attacks of despair were sometimes so violent they left sweaty and trembling, causing her to let out noises only a wounded animal could muster. There were only tattered pieces of her heart left. Everything there was in her chest now was dark hollowness at the absence of Marcus and her daughter. 

Abby continued stifling her sobs until the early hours of the morning. At one point, she heard Jackson get up from the lower bunk and leave the room. He probably went to Nathan as he couldn't stand Abby's crying. That only made her tear up more and she spent the next few minutes crying desperately into her hands.

The craving of pills re-emerged, but there was none left because of her stupidity. She would have to steal more and Jackson would hate her for it, and she would hate herself too until there was nothing but hatred left between one pill and the next. 

The door clanked open again but Abby didn't lift her head to see if Jackson had returned. It would most likely be just some angry grounder demanding her to be quiet in a language she didn't completely understand. Abby kept her emotions locked down in her throat until she could hear the person leave. Instead, she felt the bunk bed sway as someone climbed up to her. 

"No, no, no, not you," Abby said as she saw Marcus' head appear from behind the rail. Despite her protests, he lifted himself up on the mattress and settled himself right next to her. Abby started weakly beating her tiny fists against his chest in the midst of her wails as encased her completely in his arms. Abby's frail objects slowly died down, and she eventually curled against him like a child in need of comfort. 

"Jackson came to hunt me down," Marcus said, doing her best to wipe Abby's tears which made only room for more. Her eyes filled with water again. "He was so angry. He thought I had broken your heart, and it seems like that I have, in some way."

"No, that's not true," Abby tried to say but her protests were muffled by Marcus' shirt she had cried against.

Marcus continued. "This whole night I have been thinking in my bunk, unable to sleep. Is the reason why you lashed out at me that you're afraid that here I would become the man I was on Ark again?"

Abby heard Marcus had difficulty swallowing. For the lack of any light in the room, it was the only indication Abby got that he was getting just as choked up as her. "You _must_ know that won't happen. I could never be the man I once was, not after  _you._  You are my  _everything_. Every decision, every little choice I make, I think of only you. How could I be even half as pragmatic when my whole world depended on your heart beating?"

That only made Abby break into another onslaught of tears. Marcus squeezed her so hard against him Abby could barely breathe. Her racking sobs made it already hard enough to get air to get her next sentence out.

"That's not it," Abby whimpered.

"What is it then?" Marcus asked, brushing away the strands of hair sticking to her sweaty forehead. 

Abby only sobbed in response. 

"Was it just a way of trying to push me away?" He tried. 

"I just don't understand," she sniffled. "Why couldn't you just be your old, cold self for _one_ day and carry me out to Praimfaya?"

"For the same reason you opened the door."

Abby didn't know what to answer to that so she just ended up soaking Marcus' shirt front for a few more minutes before coming up with a weak protest.

"I'm a burden on resources."

"That's the farthest thing from the truth."

"I cannot make myself stop taking the pills."

"I'll help you overcome it."

"But I lapsed immediately after tonight."

"Still, I'm proud of you making it through one day for me."

"What if I steal and lie and hurt you in order to get those meds?"

"I will still love you."

"What if I cry in your arms like this every single night of the rest of our lives?"

"I would be ecstatic to spend the rest of my life with you."

"But will never be the same Abby you fell in love with."

"Doesn't matter. Abby who I love is right here."

"What if I will never get better?"

"You will."

"But _what if_."

"Then I'll just have to marry you."

Abby buried her face in his chest, letting out a long, whimpery sob. "Baby... You can't just ask me to marry you if we are only being friends."

"And you can't call me baby, _love_. Besides, I didn't exactly ask you to marry me."

"No, you just said you'd  _do_  it."

"With your permission, of course."

Abby laughed at that, beautiful, glimmering tears trailing down her cheeks which made Marcus take her face in his hands and try to kiss them away. "Why are you still fighting me on this? she asked. 

"I spent enough time coming up with all those same reasons I didn't deserve you. I won that battle with myself, and I would be a damned idiot if I did not fight my hardest to win it again in order to keep you."

That made Abby fall into a state of peaceful acceptance. She didn't have the energy to keep fighting and no matter how hard she tried, he wouldn't go away. It was also starting to dawn on her that he would _never_ go away. He was far too stubborn for that. 

The quiet realization that he would be there for her made her breathing even out and her head to lull back on his shoulder. She was so tired. 

"I'm sorry for ruining such a nice night," Abby said, trying to futilely dry out the fabric of his shirt. "I'm a mess."

"You're my mess," Marcus said, pressing a kiss on her cheek.

Abby's heart skipped a beat at that. _He loved her. He loved her. He loved her._

"Aim a little bit to the left," she said softly, not even registering her own words before they were out. 

" Like this?" Marcus asked, brushing his lips tentatively at the corner of her mouth.

"More to the left."

Marcus followed suit and soon their lips were joined in a slow, languid kiss. It felt even better than the drunken kiss they had shared earlier because now the storm inside her had quieted down just for a brief moment. Today she could accept his love with open arms. She would take advantage of that feeling as long as it lasted. 

She started humming as Marcus started gently teasing the seam of her lips with his tongue. Their noses bumped as they both dove into a more passionate kiss, but just then there was a loud thump. The person below them had just struck his hand against the bed frame, making them halt.

"Please, please, please, do it somewhere else than here," Jackson whimpered from below them.

Marcus let out an embarrassed, endearing little peep which made Abby smile through her tears.

"Maybe next time," she encouraged him. 

"Does that mean I have a chance of becoming more than friends?" Marcus smiled.

"Maybe."

"I'm confident in my odds," he said, grinning like the happiest man on earth at her. He leaned down to capture her lips once more. 

This time, Jackson kicked the bed frame with both of his legs.


End file.
